Katungal Yoga Blog
An online diary style record of a Yogi
Katungal Yoga, a concept created to inspire & empower tribes & communities tired of the mundane.
This blog shares entries from Kelly, our Yogi, Moon Child and Persistent Soul while she navigates, learns & explores throughout her yoga journey.
10th July 2024
Why Yoga?
As a child, like most, I spent my time in handstands, cartwheels, singing and hopscotching. But as I grew into a so called 'adult' I spent time typing, serving & trying. I didn't have time to throw myself onto the floor and roly poly let alone, pretend I was a back up dancer for Will Smith. I spent time, all my time really, making other people money, other people happy & trying to make other people like me. I didn't really have any hobbies, I had nothing of my own and well, I was happy.
As I'm sure many people reading this can relate to, as I went through my teens I experienced CRAZY emotions, Intense relationships, and was always searching for my identity. I think I was a pretty normal human, skipping through my childhood.
And then, my whole world stopped. I lost my mum. After a long, brave & strong battle with cancer she slipped away, I was 19.
Loosing my mum, my best friend, my protector, my icon - completely devastated me. It immediately left me with a HUGE hole in my heart that still, sits there, glaring at me every single day. It's like a monster living with you, following you everywhere you go, interrupting your thoughts, your dreams... relentlessly reminding you, "you are not enough". I was in pieces. The grief that shook me and my family from loosing her, words cannot describe.
I became angry, uncertain, jealous. I starved myself, I over ate, I hated the world and everything that was in it. My demons became my personality. I was rude, I pushed people away, I thought I was keeping myself safe by isolating my heart. I had my Nan, my Sister, Grandad & Dad but they weren't her and would never replace what I had lost; a whole lifetime with the strong, tremendous woman who gave me life. A life I didn't want, not without her.
Struggling to become of age, fighting the battles in my head, as a family, we supported each other through the heartache. The world continued to turn, while I willed it to stop. I lost all interest in friends, careers & christmas. I spent my time 'getting through'. I held down jobs, a few relationships but honestly, my internal emotional battle was getting the best of me. I was tired, anxious, lost in thought and consumed by anger.
By the age of 26 I was pretty low, just broken up from who I believed to be my Twin Flame. I was back in the city I began, living alone, in a small back street flat. I willed away my evenings on microwave meals and reality TV, longing for company but not enough to actually reach out to anybody. I had Greg, my most perfect four legged friend with me, giving me the reason to get up in the morning and maybe, leave the house at night. Then one night in October, my sister sent me a message, her friend, Jo, had just started teaching Yoga in the area and asking me if I wanted to go. I refused, IMMEDIATELY. I completely resisted. It took a few phone calls and a promise to accompany me to the class. My sister, was of course going through all the same things as me and had never enjoyed anything physical so... I resentfully agreed.
The night of the class we had arranged to go to was upon us. I was nervous, scared & aprehensive. I arrived at the centre where the yoga was taking place, glanced at my phone and saw a message from my sister 'Running late from work, I won't make it x You'll love it!'. An intense, strong burning sensation took over my body and all I wanted to do was get back in the car & drive away, but I'd booked, I didn't want to let anyone down. I took a deep breath and walked into the unfammilar building. It was there, my journey began.
After the first 10 minutes, I knew this was for me. I loved the atmosphere, the vibe, the chilled approach & how I felt I was being held, supported and gently guided through the practice. When I left my first class, I ran to the safety of my car, jumped in, locked the door and sobbed. I had found release, I had discovered peace, I had let go. I practiced every week with Jo, until she finished her classes and moved on to a different industry. I found online Yoga and began to practice everyday. I would skip through my time at work, desperate to get home and on to the safety of my mat. Noticing subtle changes in my life off the mat. I became more patiant, less abbrasive, I thought before I reacted. I was still sad... Damn, I am still sad, but I can hold that sadness in my heart without the weight being too much to bear all the time.
In 2023 I undertook my 200hrs Yoga Teacher Training with Gem Yoga. A huge financial & time commitment that I had been day dreaming about since the moment I left my first yoga session. If I can help one person, who feels the way I did, who's going through something they feel completely lost in, the money, time & energy would be worth it.
The training I undertook was more so than I could have ever imagined and has sent me on many plots twists. It's unveiled so many layers of my mind, body & soul, places, I didn't even know existed. We lost Nan during this time, which, was like loosing mum all over again. In mum's absense she became the matrichy of the family. This was heartbreaking and again, grief struck me hard in the face, but this time, I had Yoga, I had healing & I had tools in my kit to cope with the heartbreak.
They say 'Yoga doesn't want to change you, because Yoga doesn't think anything is wrong with you'. Yoga did change me, It helped me breathe into the darker spaces of me, helped me discover my true self, forgive every older version of me and accept that life, it just isn’t perfect; And really, that’s absolutely ok! Just wake up every morning and try and be the best version of yourself that day.
I still see that hole everyday, that has now grown even bigger with the loss of Nan. I still hurt. But I accept what I cannot change. I sit with that feeling, allow it flow and continue to work on my healing.
I now appreciate everything I do have instead of focusing on what I miss. I am back in love with my Twin Flame, spending days & nights absorbed in his company. I am so grateful to my sister for pushing me out of my comfort zone and continuing to support & love me. I have my family around me spiritually & physically guiding me & caring for me. My friends, lifting me up & protecting me. Every single person walking in to my life, playing their role, in this human experience. I see you.
Katungal Yoga is built on the foundations of building a tribe, a community of people who together, provide the antidote to this tired, sick & often cruel society.
'The wave comes to the shore, and then goes back to the sea; it is not lost.'
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